A year ago today

I put this song on my blog a couple months ago. I think I play it a thousand times a day seriously. My family is so sick of it for sure. But the meaning behind this song is so deep for me. I wish my dad could have heard this song. Today a year ago my dad took his own life. I think that's why this song holds me some days amongst others but it is so true. Isn't this what we are all trying to do. Just keep our heads above. I wish that my dad would have had the coping mechanism to keep his head above to swim for his life even when he didn't want too. I am in no way suicidal, just for the record, but in the last few weeks especially, I have felt like I was swimming for my life and I know many of you have been in that place in your own life. One of my favorite vs is memories like bullets they fire at me like a gun. This is so where I am this month and probably will be next month too. The memories of my dads death are just firing all around me and cracking my armor. I know that the boys and I will be ok and I know that eventually as the years pass that his death will become less of a shock to me. But today as I remember him and grieve him one of the things I have done is I read through all the police reports and paper work from his case. I read all his emails and texts from the day he died. Cliff really wanted me to get rid of all of that but in a weird way it gives me peace about his choice. When I read the things he was doing and saying it helps me to realize my dad was not in his right mind the last month or so of his life. These records make that so obvious. By experiencing them again it reminds me of what was going on and in a weird way it helps me to make sense of him.
It has been a long year and I know some of you are wondering how I am "REALLY" doing and you wonder if I have been putting on an act the last year but in reality I think I am ok. I have days that are not so good but we are surviving. I have gone to several suicide support group meetings, not every month because they are brutal and I have gone to counseling, I blog private letters to him often, but there are other things I have done as well to help my healing process. One of the best things I think I have done is I have surrounded my family with my dads things. Some of his furniture, his pictures, his bible, and my Liz mom restored one of his old toy trucks for me for Christmas. I listen to the music from his funeral constantly. I guess my goal is to never be caught off guard. I never want to be in a mall or in the grocery store and hear the song Fix You by Cold Play and freak because that was the song on his slide show which I try to watch now and then as well. So my goal is to just be around it constantly to have his memory surround me. Tonight I am going to go to the Suicide support group and morn my loss with other people who like me have lost someone they love to suicide. I think as my day goes on today I will probably shed some tears but all in all I think I am ok. I miss him in a terrible way Cliff and I both do. I have been trying to get out and go hiking and spend time outside as much as possible because these are the things that made my dad the most peaceful. Towards the end of the song it says There's no shame in drifting feel the tide shifting and that is right where I am. I am just coasting, taking life one day at a time and just allowing God to just carry me along. So I made it through the first year without my dad its a strange thing. Here's to you daddy we love and miss you. 


You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim