4 years ago today...........................

Four years ago today we picked up our little man from the hospital. I will never forget it as long as I live. Its funny because even to this day I can remember the 21st better then his actual birthday. We actually got the call on a Friday evening but because the Monday was a holiday they new they needed to get him a place before the weekend. So unlike most foster parents I had the whole weekend to prepare. It was good and bad. I don't think I slept the entire time. We went over to our friend Erik and Meridith's house for dinner and a glass of wine which I don't drink but I did that night. I guess what I am most thankful for is the exact words from the case worker were this. "This is a very low risk case. This child is not adoptable but it seems like a nice case for your first child. Will you take him." I said of course we will take him and she said well you should call and talk to Cliff and I said nope don't need to. She said Deidra you have to talk to him. Call me back in a few minutes. I called Cliff at work and said these exact words. Cliff we are getting a little boy 7 months old he's little tiny we get to pick him up on Tuesday. Ok...... He was like ok. I said ok I will call you back I have to call Donna and tell her I asked you. Its just funny I knew I didn't need his permission. So anyways here we are four years later and he is totally ours. He was even given Cliffs middle name and his grandpa's name. I love him with all my being. He gives me a run for my money most the time. But he is busy, fun, energetic, loves to watch Biggest Looser with me, enjoys quading with his daddy saying wooohoooo, he is a star in gymnastics, loves to be outside at the park or hiking local mountains. He is such a gem and we are so blessed that God looked at this situation and it could have gone so many ways but he chose to let Cliff and I have him and I thank him everyday for Zacky. Little boy I love you more then you will ever know. I am so glad God choose to give you to mommy and daddy and we are blessed that your parents. Our lives are exciting and new everyday with you in it. My prayer for you as you grow up is to know that although your parents let us adopt you it was because they loved you and knew that we could care for you all the days of your life. Mommy loves you more then life it's self I am so glad to call you my son.

The correlation between casino's and Chucke Cheese

So today I went down town to pick up some tickets for my moms friends that are coming in at the end of the month. I made some observations while I was there. First of all for as bad as our economy is there are sure a heck of a lot of cars in the casino parking lots. I don't know how many of them are actually gambling but still a ton of people none the less. My other observation was the amount of men that were gambling at card tables or the spiny thing what ever it is called. I am proud to say that I haven't gambled an ounce of my* own money since moving here over a year ago. Nor do I plan on it because Cliff works to hard for our money to piss it away on slot machines or card games. But what is funny is that as I was walking through there it occurred to me that the Casino's are the adult version of Chucke Cheese. I am sure I am not the first person to see this but it is so true. I mean I feel so proud that I am not a gambler but yet I have no problem dropping 40+ bucks on tokens at the kid pizza joint just so they can get tickets to "buy" toys with, that I could really just go to the store and buy for way cheaper. Its all a gamble right rather we are at Chucke Cheese or at New York New York. I guess its all in the eye of the beholder. Casinos are just video game rooms for adults and Chuckee Cheese is where it all starts. LOL just kidding. But really we go for entertainment one way or another whether we are four or forty.


*I have been give other peoples money to gamble with a certain husband to a very dear friend hooked me up one night but we totally lost:) remember that mom........

He wiggled to the very end........

Sleep is so off in our house and has been for awhile. Zack is pushing five but if you have spent five minutes with this child you know he moves nonstop from the time he wakes up till the time he falls asleep. So some days he gets a nap because it is necessary for all our sanity and some times we let him slide. This particular night he didn't get a nap and he literally moved and rolled until he just stopped and he was out. Too funny.

 

 

Valentines Loot

All of Zacks grandparents were on the ball this valentines. He got dishes from Mimi, a lion from Nana, Glasses from the Mitchell grandparents and Stalhman grandparents. Not to mention cookies, candies, and the cake he decorated at school. He had fun and has not taken off his sunglasses since he got them.

 

 

 

 

Have you ever wondered what to do with your childrens art work?

Many years ago before we got Zack I was reading in Parent magazine about the mounds of art work that kids bring home and what the heck you should do with it all. Well one mom suggested you hang it up and when the wall gets too full you take your child's picture with their art work then toss the art work and start over then you have a picture of all of it to put in their scrapbook. Although Zacky doesn't come home with a ton of art work he has filled a wall. So we are taking that suggestion except he will get to choose a few pieces to put in a box that we will keep. So here he is with all his work.

 

 

Love in a Baggie

I came across a blog this morning and this was so awesome I thought I would share her idea.....
Homelessness is very relevant in Vegas as summer gets here chances I will see more and more people that are in need.


Have you ever been at a stop sign or red light and seen a homeless person with a sign asking for help. If you are like me you never know what you should do. Should I dig through my ash tray and find them change, give them the five I have in my wallet that I was going to go get a cup of tea with, go get them food and come back. Do I make eye contact or don't make eye contact. In all honestly my heart usually sinks for these people. I wonder what got them to this place in their life a lost job, a lost loved one, depression, drugs, but then I just drive away and get on with my day in my expensive Land Rover to my warm house filled with clothes and food and all that I "have". It sucks. In those moments I feel like I should do something but that requires getting out of my comfort Zone and really having a plan when this happens so today I found this on a woman's blog so tomorrow when I go grocery shopping I will be picking up large baggies and putting together several baggies to carry in my car to hand to the homeless with a not included telling them about Jesus's love for them.......How about you.......


What you need::
*plastic freezer bags
*non-perishable food items (ex. individual applesauce, granola bar, peanut butter sandwich cookies, bottled water etc.)
*plastic eating utensils if needed
*individual wipes
*a note

What to do::
Fill each freezer bag with your items. You can put more things like travel toothpaste/brush, travel deodorant, socks and so on. Take some time to prayerfully think out what you write on the notes you'll place in the bags. You can include information to an organization that will help those in need physically and spiritually.

Most times we see people in need as we come off the fwy. We know not to give them money and some of us have a van full of kids as we wonder what to do. This doesn't replace listening to the Holy Spirit telling us to stop and physically go over and minister to them. If that's what you "know" you should do than DO IT! If not these bags can be quickly given instead of money. If the wait is longer, than try to communicate God's love and hope with them face to face while you're at the red light.

There's all different ways to make these bags and use them as a tool of spreading hope to others. You can do it alone, as a group or as a family.

Be prayerful and creative as you spread the hope of Jesus in 2010.

Bowling + No Nap= a questionable time

Zack is really in that in between stage where he doesn't always take a nap because he isn't tired but by 6 or 7pm he is a bear. This past week Cliffy came home and wanted to go "real bowling" (as opposed to Wii bowling) so we loaded up hit Sunset Station to bowl. I opted to watch them and about half way through their first game Zack was having a hard time keeping his body off the ground. He was too tired to bowl. It was also a little scary because they put another family next to us and Zack would run and bowl and about the time he should throw the ball he would watch the kid next to him. YIKES good thing no one got hurt. So no nap plus evening bowling not so sure that's a good idea.

A year ago today

I put this song on my blog a couple months ago. I think I play it a thousand times a day seriously. My family is so sick of it for sure. But the meaning behind this song is so deep for me. I wish my dad could have heard this song. Today a year ago my dad took his own life. I think that's why this song holds me some days amongst others but it is so true. Isn't this what we are all trying to do. Just keep our heads above. I wish that my dad would have had the coping mechanism to keep his head above to swim for his life even when he didn't want too. I am in no way suicidal, just for the record, but in the last few weeks especially, I have felt like I was swimming for my life and I know many of you have been in that place in your own life. One of my favorite vs is memories like bullets they fire at me like a gun. This is so where I am this month and probably will be next month too. The memories of my dads death are just firing all around me and cracking my armor. I know that the boys and I will be ok and I know that eventually as the years pass that his death will become less of a shock to me. But today as I remember him and grieve him one of the things I have done is I read through all the police reports and paper work from his case. I read all his emails and texts from the day he died. Cliff really wanted me to get rid of all of that but in a weird way it gives me peace about his choice. When I read the things he was doing and saying it helps me to realize my dad was not in his right mind the last month or so of his life. These records make that so obvious. By experiencing them again it reminds me of what was going on and in a weird way it helps me to make sense of him.
It has been a long year and I know some of you are wondering how I am "REALLY" doing and you wonder if I have been putting on an act the last year but in reality I think I am ok. I have days that are not so good but we are surviving. I have gone to several suicide support group meetings, not every month because they are brutal and I have gone to counseling, I blog private letters to him often, but there are other things I have done as well to help my healing process. One of the best things I think I have done is I have surrounded my family with my dads things. Some of his furniture, his pictures, his bible, and my Liz mom restored one of his old toy trucks for me for Christmas. I listen to the music from his funeral constantly. I guess my goal is to never be caught off guard. I never want to be in a mall or in the grocery store and hear the song Fix You by Cold Play and freak because that was the song on his slide show which I try to watch now and then as well. So my goal is to just be around it constantly to have his memory surround me. Tonight I am going to go to the Suicide support group and morn my loss with other people who like me have lost someone they love to suicide. I think as my day goes on today I will probably shed some tears but all in all I think I am ok. I miss him in a terrible way Cliff and I both do. I have been trying to get out and go hiking and spend time outside as much as possible because these are the things that made my dad the most peaceful. Towards the end of the song it says There's no shame in drifting feel the tide shifting and that is right where I am. I am just coasting, taking life one day at a time and just allowing God to just carry me along. So I made it through the first year without my dad its a strange thing. Here's to you daddy we love and miss you. 


You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim