Baby Thoughts

Growing up I don't remember dreaming about a lot of things that maybe other girls did. I never really thought about what my future husband would be like or dreamed of a fairytale wedding. I was never big into make-up, clothes, or decorating things. I guess you could say I was just all around a tom boy. But the one thing I do remember dreaming about and alot was having children. I remember watching the Baby Story on TLC every single day. I remember the first baby sitting job I ever had. I remember I couldn't wait until my baby cousins came to town so I could help take "care" of them or when my mom's best friend had a baby. I loved changing diapers and picking out clothes for them and getting them dressed. In high school amongst hanging out with my friends I always had many families I baby sat for. Now those kids are graduating high school soon, driving cars and going to prom. It blows my mind. In my world I always assumed if and when I got married I would have a house full of kids. I would watch the Baby Story and cry because I could not wait to be a mommy.  I couldn't wait to be pregnant and see my belly grow and feel a baby kick. I have spent years looking at all the baby equipment that has come out over the years. My job pretty much since I graduated high school has been taking care of children in some way shape or form. I started collecting baby clothes and cribs way before we had children just assuming that because I wanted them they would come.
Cliff and I decided shortly after we moved to Buffalo to start trying to have a baby. Wow that seems like a life time ago. I look back over our journey of trying to have kids and what a journey it has been. Zacky blessed our lives beyond anything we could ever have hoped for. Then 4 years later here I sit in a hospital bed waiting as patiently as possible for our babies to be born. It blows my mind.
Many years ago I gave up the dream I had as a little girl to have my own babies. I knew that God wanted us to adopt and so we did but I also knew that with all our infertility issues that us getting pregnant was probably out of the question. I sat on a boat in the middle of the Bahamas on a missions trip with an amazing group of teenagers and decided that God had to be in control of us having children or it could very possibly ruin me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life miserable at other people's baby showers or crying every time I got my period or loosing it when a friend told me she was pregnant. I knew and trusted that God had a plan for us. We never dreamed we would have the money to do infertility treatment and I never thought it was for me. But then when my dad passed away we decided that it would be a great way to honor him. And if dad could pick anything in the world for us to do with the money we got it would be to put it towards growing our family. So we did and WOW here we are having twins. Yes even at 32 weeks and 5 days I am still in awe of this almost every minute of the day. How did we get so lucky with Zack and now our littles. I just don't know. God is so good. We are so blessed.
As I sit here tonight in my little hospital room thinking of what sex they are and making sure I really like the names we have picked out so far I am sad that my dad is not here with us. I know that my daddy is in Heaven tonight waiting just as patiently as we are to see their little faces. I miss him a lot tonight and just want to be able to tell him thank you. Because of a really shitty situation it has allowed my biggest childhood dream to become a reality. I miss you dad every day and love you beyond measure. Thank you for our littles!